Sometimes I’m Not OK
This is something that I’ve toyed with writing for a few days now and have been putting it off because I worry. I worry what people think of me and I know that I shouldn’t. Sometimes I’m not ok. People in my on-line world only see what I write and I’d say 99% of the time I’m always full of fun and adventures. Perception of togetherness. Imagine seeing a duck calmly swimming but under the water its legs are going crazy.
Autumn has set in and it’s bloody cold outside and this duck is walking on Ice. I’ve touched on it a couple of times in my Happy Days posts on a Saturday. I’m just a little moody, a bit down. Everything seems a bit dull and I’m doing everything I can think of to make it OK.
It’s a very British thing to say “I’m fine” when asked how we are. When really we’re screaming inside and just plain miserable. It’s like a feeling of emptiness and you’re wondering what is the point. Why bother doing anything, doing “anything” is just too much.
Well that is how I’m feeling a lot of the time at the moment. I hide it, I hide it in my writing, I hide it in my walks, I hide it in my play. I just hide behind this “positive” person and sometimes the cracks start to show. A real roller coaster of emotions. Up and down every other minute. It’s making me tired.
Seasonal Affective Disorder SAD
Winter depression. At it’s worse in December, January, February. While I’m writing this post I am reminding myself of this time last year. I had my 5/6 month old and I remember being pretty low then too. It’s a pattern forming, that Winter pattern… If you’ve never come across SAD before then you can check it out on the NHS website.
I’m pretty sure that this is what is wrong with me.
I started writing this blog last February and I’ve been on a high doing so, I love my blog. I love writing about my life and our family adventures. The fact that I’ve been a little out of favour with it the last few weeks is just another reason I know something is wrong. It’s difficult.
I’m a parent now
Why at the young age of 34 do I think that SAD has come into my life? Honestly, probably because I am a Mum, a stay at home Mum. It’s hard work. Not because it’s 24 hours a day, but because it’s not work. There isn’t any real structure to my days. In the past I’d go to work, be out the house for 8 hours, have tea, repeat. There was a structure there.
Now I have different days, I fill them, but they are always changing. I could go to the park now, or in 15 minutes. The washing up needs doing, well I’ll do that later. Nothing NEEDS to be done. Will the Robot nap, won’t he. Will he nap for 20 minutes or 2 hours? Everything can change in an instance. It just adds to that rollercoaster.
People say to time block and get things done, but when the only person you are accountable too is yourself, and your small person, it’s no fun. But it is OK! Seriously it is ok. I love being a Mum more than anything in the world.
There is always a solution and hopefully that ever important positive spin to things. Honestly, I don’t think I have it that bad, I know something is wrong and so does Dave. I’m not going to the Doctors as to quote the NHS:
You should consider seeing your GP if you think you might have SAD and you’re struggling to cope.
My low moods are just that, low. I am coping! I have plenty of highs to counteract them. There is plenty that I can do to improve my mood, that tried and tested are working:
- Write – Did I mention I love my blog!?
- Talk – Dave knows, I talk to him a lot, he listens and advises.
- Eat – I know this should be healthy but chocolate is soooo good.
- Exercise – I’m limited to walking with the Robot.
- Get outside in daylight – see above walking with the Robot.
In the past week I’ve read two blog posts by Catie from An Imperfect Mum; over on Mindful Mummy Mission and one called Beach Therapy. Both of these mention Catie’s love of the beach as somewhere to reflect and recharge, a love of nature we both share. She inspired me to get my beach on too and although my beaches aren’t as pretty as hers, it’s still the sea and I’m still outdoors. Outdoors and exercising in an inspiring location.
but that’s ok
If you’re feeling low like me, it really is ok! I’ve been putting things in place to counteract how I’m feeling and I am ok. Recognising something is wrong is a good first step. Writing about this today has really helped me. Hitting the publish button is going to be a hard one for me to do but this is my online place and for all the happy postive posts I write, one little low one isn’t going to hurt!
Please if you are struggling and don’t have anyone to turn too then please drop me a message, I can’t say that I’ll be able to help but I’ll listen. If you have any good coping techniques please leave them in the comments, I am sure others would love to read them.