How to Make Your Own Mummy Clique

How to Make Your Own Mummy Clique

One thing I read and hear time and time again is about the impenetrable Mummy Clique.  That allusive group of Mummy’s who all seem to know each other.  The group of people who seem to have it all sorted.  The Super Women who we stare at and admire.  That group of Mummy’s that just don’t seem to want to know you.

Group of doll women looking like they know what is what!

I’ve spent a lot of the last 15 months skirting round some social circles never really fitting in.  Always saying HELLO but never much more than a “How old is he now?”    Always wondering why or how this group of ladies know each other and why I just don’t fit in?

This is nothing new to me.  I have always been a bit of a loaner, floating from one group of people to another.  Only ever having one or two special friends.   When I was pregnant people told me I’d make new Mummy friends, you’ll meet them at play groups, you’ll meet them at baby massage, baby sign, baby sensory, tiny tots, coffee mornings… etc… etc….Group of meerkats cuddled.  One is on the outside looking in anld lonely

Expectant and excited I went along to these groups with an open mind and an open heart.   Nothing, months passed and still nothing.  Disheartened but determined I kept up with some of the groups, some I dropped through sheer panic attacks (that’s another story).

 

Something has happened though.  I’ve made a clique.   Today I went to the movies.  I left the Robot at home with Dave.  Met up with two Mummy friends and went to see Bridget Jones at the cinema.  In the night-time.  Without KIDS!

What happened in the months between I hear you ask?   Well I’m going to tell you…

How to Make Your Own Mummy Clique

Yes, this is a how to guide, but I want to add in a disclaimer, there is no hard or fast rule to this.  You are your own person.  Do what you are comfortable with.  It’s not easy, please try, your comfort zone needs a little nudge from time to time.   There has been a few different techniques to my clique gathering.  Try not to live by your babies routine.

Single Out for the Pity Date

call-meGo weekly to a baby group.  I suggest baby massage as a good one as if you’re ignored you can focus on your baby.  Hopefully someone will chat to you.   If they don’t, don’t panic.  Play with your baby.    Still get ignored, just listen.  Take it all in.  Bonus you’re out the house.  This is a result.  If people really don’t start to acknowledge you, it’s time to try another group.

One person, like you, will be doing the same, week in week out.  You will work out who this is.  Chat to them.  Love their baby and how big its got.   The crucial swoop is next… Tell them you have no Mummy friends. (yes I did this).  Ask them if they want to meet up.  SWAP NUMBERS.  Seriously it’s like dating for Mummy’s!   Arrange a play date.  Well done you have your first Mummy friend.

Walk Home Shuffle

If you’re lucky you’ll be able to walk to a group.  Other people walk to baby groups too.   Again you need to go weekly to these groups.  It’s hard sometimes but a definite must.   Spot the Mum who walks home your way, or a remotely close detour (extra walking is good).   Here are two options.   One, outright ask them can I walk home with you.

a little girl playing with a buggy awkwardly

Two, my prefered, hover outside the play group and shuffle when they exit.  Let them catch up with you and ask you which way your going.  Walk home with them.   Chat to them.   Do this week in week out.  Get brave and exchange telephone numbers.  Text to meet them at the park on a non-group day.  Well done you have your second Mummy friend.

The Common Interest

I’m a baby wearing fan.  There are people who I know who carry their babies too.  Talk to them about their carrier.  How they get on.  I’m not sure how this will work for everyone.   Consider the people who you meet and whether they will match up with you some how.

karen with a multicoloured wrap on with robot on her back

Be brave again and ask for a number exchange or find on Facebook.  In my example we arranged to get baby carrying tuition.  We’ve since arranged play dates.  Score, my third Mummy friend.

Lives Next Door

Well not quite next door.  Close.  You bump into them going the shops daily.  You chat.  Eventually you agree to meet up with each other.  You eventually swap numbers.  You eventually text to meet up.  A slow and steady fourth Mummy friend.

Found by Acquaintance

This is one that we’re currently working on and one like most steps takes time to flourish…  Mummy friend, One, Two, Three and Four have been following these processes throughout their own childs life.   They have made their own little friendships.  Take advantage of these to build your own friendships…  Eventually be brave.  Swap numbers.

See Them Around

Walk.  Walk those mean streets daily.  You will bump into Mummy’s you see at groups.  Wave, smile, nod, be polite.  Stop and chat if its possible.  Just because you don’t know them well, who knows what they will become…

women-friends

There you have it a little group of friends to call your own.  Build on your relationships.  Text and ask how they are.  Meet up every now and then.  Integrate them with each other.  It all takes time.  Suddenly you’ll find yourself at a play group with Mummy’s that actually talk to you.

Your very own clique.

Just remember though what it feels like to have no friends.   See that Mum sat on her own.  Go and talk to her.  You may even make their day.

52 Comments

  1. Oh yeah, been there. I never cared much for other mommies who didn’t talk to me and I rationialized it as, (a) They thought they were too good for me in which case, they can keep their pretentiousness because I don’t care to be friends with such women anyway, and (b) they thought I was too good for them in which case maybe I was so we may not last long as friends anyway so why bother…just kidding. I was desperate for friends and while rationalize helped a little, I always wondered why no one talked to me..what did I do wrong? That is history. I do have a good circle.of mom friends now so it’s all good but those early days were tough. I love your funny but helpful guide. #familyfun (preemptively)
    Suchitra (@ThePhDMama) recently posted…Lessons Learned at a Pumpkin PatchMy Profile

    1. isntitpretty

      It is hard when habing to work.. It occured to me after i published this that as I’m a stay at home mum I have more oppertunities to meet people for longer that the stat maternity days.

  2. Oh this is so so lovely, Karen. It’s so hard in those early years so I really sympathise but it sounds like you have become a pro! And it is so important to look out for the mummy on her own and invite her in – us mums are a great collective force. So please you found your gang xx #FamilyFun

  3. I’ve been there! I actually had a little mummy clique when I lived in Chester, but when I moved back to Glasgow I never managed to re-create it – probably because I was too shy to ask people for their numbers or to set up play dates! Now that I’m back at work it’s harder because I don’t get to classes or groups anymore – thankfully I have my online mummy clique! #FamilyFun
    Squirmy Popple recently posted…The children’s books that are slowly driving me insaneMy Profile

  4. What an honest post. It’s so hard to make friends. Everyone implies it will be easy but it’s not. It requires persistence and you sometimes need to surrender your pride. These are great tips. I wish I’d done a bit more of this when my daughter was younger. I find it harder to do now I’m chasing a toddler around but my core NCT group all now have difference commitments and schedules; A wider mum-friend group would be great! #FamilyFun
    Angela Watling recently posted…30 Days Blogging – Day 9: CravingsMy Profile

    1. isntitpretty

      I never had the NCT group of friends. I knew some people who I tried to befriend and just couldn’t because they were always off with their NCT buddies. I sort of felt like saying “Hello, can i join!” but it didn’t work! TIme and perseverance!

  5. I’m so glad you managed to find some friends eventually! I have tried many of these techniques myself but I still find it difficult. People might meet up with me a couple of times but they don’t become real friends. Maybe it’s me! I do have at least 2 mummy friends but we never hang out in a clique the way you see those mummy herds at soft play & that. I always end up going to those sorts of things alone with the kids. #familyfun
    The Mum Reviews recently posted…How to become something you never thought you would beMy Profile

  6. As a SAHM that has moved across the Atlantic and then moved State the following year I have been burdened with finding new Mom friends for the past three years. It can be quite hard work and I have phases of stepping back and enjoying my own company, and other times when I’m actively going to groups with my big be-my-friend smile. You can’t really rush it though, it takes time to make real friends. #FamilyFun
    Twin Pickle recently posted…Organizational Skills: A Tale of Two NinjasMy Profile

    1. isntitpretty

      Yes time seems to be the order of the day! I accepted at about 6 months that I should be happy with me and my son and I found a little group of virtual friends too, all this helps. three years of friend finding though. Very tough!

  7. Oh i definitely understand this. And i think your approaches are great…particularly as they focus on building friendships with individuals on a personal level. I didnt go to any groups with E bar one small postnatal chat group that only had 4 of us and it was perfect – we’re all still friends, even though now we dont see as much of each other as we used to. I did dabble in and out of a few but i’m utterly rubbish at committing to a weekly group/class with a baby. Now he’s at preschool and what not I’ve GOT to commit! And so that’s the other thing i will add – lots of new avenues pop up in your child’s life as they grow. Slow and steady is my approach – reading this I realise I’ve been doing the odd preschool shuffle though!
    Xx
    Lucy at occupation: (m)other recently posted…Breastfeeding Bites #4. Oversupply in the Early WeeksMy Profile

    1. isntitpretty

      He he, love a good shuffle. There is great reward in having a group of small friends. I do hear of the next phase of parenting friends when they go to school and things. This should be interesting in itself!

  8. So glad that you have managed to build your own mummy clique. It’s so hard to make friends sometimes at groups. I’ve spent five years always being on the edge of it all but I do at least have people that I talk to regularly even if they’ve not quite made that transition to being friends. It takes time. Thank you for sharing some great advice on how to make that leap from acquaintances to friends. #familyfun
    Louise (Little Hearts, Big Love) recently posted…A moment when I am just mummy and nothing moreMy Profile

  9. Great post. With my oldest I knew someone at the playgroup I went to already (met her in aquanatal and ended up having babies on same day), and she seemed to know a few others so I kind of tagged in and we formed a nice little clique and would often meet up at weekends as well each other’s kids parties. We are off to a Halloween party with one on Friday. Now they are all in school though (and a few different ones at that) and a few of the mums went on to have other kids a few years before our second came along and the group rarely meets anymore. With my second I’m really struggling to find anyone. I feel bad that by this age my son had a big circle of friends and had a party every birthday with loads of friends but my daughter has had two birthdays now but no parties as she has no friends to invite. We do go to a toddler group but the other kids are all there with childminders or grandparents so it’s hard to make any connections. I’m thinking of enrolling her in nursery for a couple of hours a week just so she can socialise more and hopefully make some friends before she starts pre-school next year.
    #FamilyFun
    Alana – Burnished Chaos recently posted…Words To Live By #4: Be CuriousMy Profile

    1. isntitpretty

      Thats difficult for you. I can imagine trying to make friends when all your other friends are doing babies at different stages is difficult. Your daughter will find friends and will be oblivious about party invites at the moment!

  10. Oh gosh you are so brave putting yourself out there. I struggled going to the weighing clinic cos I felt like a loner compared to all the mummies who rocked up together and super chatty!
    I hate meeting new people and struggling putting myself out there.
    #familyfun

    1. isntitpretty

      It is scary. All I can suggest is that you keep perserveering and going to the weigh clinic. Sit next to someone and try and make a conversation. Be brave and you never know… It won’t happen over night but if you go week in week out people will start to recognise you.

  11. This is all good advice. I tried to make friends at local groups and did get a little circle but as time went on I realised we didn’t really click and we didn’t have that much in common. Now I don’t really see them but I tend to just spend time with other friends one on one. It’s working for me most of the time but sometimes I feel a bit lonely. We have just joined a few new groups so I’m hoping I might find someone through those! #FamilyFun
    Susie at This Is Me Now recently posted…My thoughts when SpinningMy Profile

  12. Sam

    Awww fab post. It is hard to make friends. I definitely get the clique thing. I was lucky that my sister and I had baby’s only 10 months apart so we could go to some groups together, but we still didn’t manage to really get to know anyone else.. It’s quite sad really because we are all in the same position going to these baby groups..
    #familyfun
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  13. Loved this post. Been there, done that…Hate some of the mommy cliques, especially the ones who daren’t seen to be talking to what they consider to be a loner. (ha that would be me) I’m quite an introverted person anyway and enjoy my own company. I’m happy out with the few close friends that i do have in my little clique #FamilyFun

  14. I’m also one of those people who is always on the periphery. I don’t even know why sometimes. Although admittedly we’ve moved around a fair bit so I’ve often been the new girl, and keeping up with old friends is hard once you’ve moved away too. I’m past the new Mummy stage now, but it was definitely a good time for me to meet new people. All of your tips are just great. I guess it is a bit like dating! #FamilyFun

  15. Ah Karen making mummy friends is definitely like dating. Its stressful, nerve wracking but when it goes right oh so worth it. Having a group of mums has been a lifeline to me (as has a group of bloggy mums but thats another story!). It not easy though and I have definitely been the one sat there ignored, but wth enough persistence I got my dating on in the end. I am so pleased to read that you did too. #Familyfun

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