I’ve gone for a walk. Left the kids with Dave and headed out alone with my thoughts. It’s sunny the birds are singing the air is crisp, a slight breeze. It’s a perfect spring day.
I’m sat on my favourite bench (the one with the little house), ducks are approaching, the sun is beating down on me. It’s beautiful. I only wish I could put my finger on what is wrong.
It’s been a while since I’ve done a type and hit post straight away blog. They’re normally my most honest and raw posts that resonate with a lot of my Mum friends. As I sit here typing on my phone letting the words ebb out of me I can feel my soul shifting.
The power of writing is something I admire, not really thinking about where these words are going or what I’m actually trying to get at. What am I trying to put my finger on today?
Before I got to the bench, I tried to let my mind wander, to think of all the things that make me happy and grateful. All the top things came in, my kids, Dave, our good health, home, family. My kids essentially sleep the night, I sleep. I get to do things for me, I sew, I write, I play.
All the things from the outside make me a very lucky person. But why is there just something I can’t quite put my finger on?
I should be feeling happy. I am happy. Gosh I have all the happy. What is it though that is just niggling away at me making things feel endless. The desire for something more. I don’t know what it is. I’m frustrated that I feel this little low ebb in me. In my gut.
I mistake it for hunger a lot and reach for chocolate, chocolate we don’t actually have in the house. Deliberately because I’ll eat it. I bake to get me fix and consume all the cupcakes as fast as they’ve iced. I sneak it in the kitchen while the Robot is preoccupied. It doesn’t make the feeling go away.
The people in my phone, you know who you are phone friends, have been bounding messages of positivity around this morning. I cherish them no end. They are inspiring and I know even though I’ve never met them they are there for me. They have their own ups and downs but we still have time for each other. They are amazing.
As I said before writing is an amazing tool for the soul. I feel I’ve sat on my bench too long now, I need to move on and get home to see my beautiful family. They will be wondering where I am. It’s only 11am but it’s the perfect time for lunch.
I’ve not actually put my finger on it but I feel uplifted for rambling, I feel better for sharing. I find it hard to hit publish when I know real people read my blog. I hope this helps someone else today, I hope it makes you feel less something.
I spotted some daffodils a bit further up the canal, before I hit post I figured I’d share them with you: